Monday, February 1, 2010

Fat Lady on a Treadmill - Day Sixty-six

I’m flying solo at the pit today. Daughter #2 is still fighting off a cold, so I’m on my own. Lucky me, there’s a full rack open today. I haven’t tried a full rack since day #1 when Daughter #2 put me on one. I lasted about two minutes and never did get the thing going the way it is supposed to. Maybe it’s about time to give it another try.

I manage to climb aboard without ending up on my butt and after a false start or two I actually get the thing going. Feeling smug, I sign on for the fat burner workout. Okay. I’m nuts. I know it, but I figure I can quit at anytime provided I can figure out how to make this thing stop now that I’ve got it going. I’m near the front of the pit so I think I can flag down someone to help me if I need to.

There are a number of personal trainers and the resolutionists assigned to them just a few feet away. One woman is on her hands and knees doing the ‘pee on the fire hydrant’ maneuver while her personal trainer sits on a bouncy ball consulting her clipboard. Along comes a guy in a pair of red and black plaid flannel pajama pants and a sweatshirt. His baseball cap is on backwards and he’s doing some hand and foot moves reminiscent of Tai Chi without any of the concentration or muscle control associated with the exercise. I watch for a few minutes wondering who let him in. Eventually he moves on and I concentrate on not falling off as all four limbs move rhythmically (sort of) in different directions.

The onboard computer tells me I’m half way through my chosen torture routine when pajama guy comes back. There’s a lady on the floor doing some of those show your crotch exercises and pajama guy proceeds to mimic her actions. As he goes into some sort of break dance type routine without benefit of athleticism or rhythm I begin to wonder where his keeper is. The thought crosses my mind that perhaps there is a camera somewhere as this is Los Angeles and that kind of stuff happens here, but looking around as best I can without falling off I conclude he is alone.

Once again he wanders off and I’m left to complete the insane routine I’ve chosen. I make it over to the lounge chair bikes, thinking I’ve earned a sedate ride around the block. One of the treadmills in the front row becomes available and two women come to an agreement over who gets it next. The winner indicated she had been waiting for some time so I have to wonder why she’s just now getting around to stretching. It’s a good five minutes before she turns the thing on. In the meantime woman #2 has found another treadmill and has run a half mile.

Pajama guy is back. He’s now standing in front of the giant mirror doing all manner of moves that in no way resemble exercise (not that I know what exercise looks like). It appears he’s playing a game – How many stupid things can I do while looking in the mirror. Soon he moves on to the weight gizmo bolted to the floor in front of the mirrors.

I have no idea what this thing is called, but picture a crane with two booms. The booms are adjustable, but at present are raised high in the air. Pajama guy grabs the hand grips which are weighted and kind of dangles from them for a while. Eventually he pulls down on them and wraps them below his elbows and begins to twist and turn. Picture a child on a swing, twisting the chains in order to spin out, only these are weighted cables.

Now I’m wondering if anyone is paying any attention to what goes on in this place. If his hand slips this guy is going to hang himself. Even though I’ve finished my workout I continue to pedal and watch. Call me gruesome, but if he’s going to hang himself, I’m going to watch. Eventually this really big, very fit guy goes over and begins a conversation with pajama guy. It looks like a friendly enough conversation, for a while. After a minute or so it is clear that pajama guy is not happy. I have my headphones on but it's obvious pajama guy is yelling. His hands are flaying and he’s pointing a finger at the big guy and pacing around.

Eventually they move toward the front door and I pedal a little longer thinking the show is over. I pull off the headphones and head toward the locker room only to find the show is far from over. Pajama guy is facing off with the big guy at the front desk. I can’t make out anything the big guy is saying, his voice is still pitched to normal levels. However, pajama guy is showing no restraint. The gist is, he’ll leave the gym if he gets his money back. Throw in a liberal dose of four letter words and you get the idea. I head to the locker room to get my stuff. When I come out they’re still going at it, the big guy quietly trying to coax pajama guy to leave.

That’s my cue. I hustle out the door before the situation gets more interesting than it all ready is. No hidden cameras, or otherwise, have shown and I’m not hanging around to find out if there are any. On the drive home I remember Saturday night was the full moon. Not just any full moon, but the brightest and largest that will occur in 2010. I could explain about the elliptical orbit (fitting) of the moon and use terms such as apogee and perigee to explain how one full moon can be brighter and larger than another, but take my word for it, it’s possible. Maybe the full moon explains today’s observations. Maybe it’s time for me to look seriously at another pit.

1 comment:

  1. Good lord, your gym going sounds far more interesting than mine. Although, I do want to know what the two guys were talking about that had them so entranced during my workout that they couldn't move off the Leg Extension machine.

    LOVE these posts ;) Keep them up!